♪
[bell dings]
Morning.
Morning, girls. Have a seat.
Hope you and my baby are ready
for some world-famous Vernon Brown flapjacks.
Oh, you really, really shouldn't have.
Oh no, it was my pleasure.
Key to good flapjacks: a pinch of love
and excessive butter. [laughs]
Wow, you've exceeded my low expectations.
Oh, you're not the first person to say that to me.
Oh, no, no, don't you even think about it. I got it.
I can pour orange juice. I'm pregnant, not crippled.
I'm man of the house now, and that comes with certain duties.
You just set back and relax.
Charlotte, by the way, it's trash day.
And it looks like the yard could use a mow.
Right. Yeah, I'll get right on that
right after I finish polishing your Father of the Year trophy.
You do that.
Vernon, I'm happy that you're excited that this baby
is potentially yours.
But remember, the jury's still out.
Well, I don't see any other potential daddies
walking through the walk.
[door opens]
[dog barking]
♪
Uh!
You would not believe the couple months I've had.
♪
♪ Still the King ♪
Synced and corrected by louvette www.addic7ed.com
[sighs]
So there I was lost, stranded.
Hello?
Suffering from amnesia.
Who am I?
But luckily my superior survival instincts kicked in immediately.
Help! Help!
Help!
So I set out to build shelter.
Build something to rest my weary bones.
I was starving, desperate for food.
Really?
To be honest, it looks like you gained a few pounds.
Well, little known fact about Ronnie,
he's a master huntsmen.
[crash]
RONNIE: I waste nothing of my prey.
The breast of a blue jay behind the sternum,
you can just scoop out... eat.
Why didn't you just swim to shore?
I mean, the lake isn't that big.
Amnesia, babe.
Forgot I could swim.
Anyway, seconds turn into minutes.
Minutes into hours.
Hours into weeks.
Weeks into months.
- Months... - For God's sake, Ronnie,
just get to the part where you got off the island.
RONNIE: Fine.
Old Ronnie didn't think he was gonna make it.
He was down and out.
Having nothing to hold onto.
And that's when it happened.
Bright light shooting through the sky.
A flaming beacon came soaring above like a phoenix guiding me.
It led me to the edge of the island.
To the edge of my sanity.
Anyway, when I got there,
everything just kinda came rushing back.
♪
[bell rings]
Ronnie's back!
I'm back, baby!
♪
I can't believe it.
In a way, you fulfilled my dying wishes.
It brought me back to life.
Not to nitpick or anything,
but you're supposed to set that stuff on fire.
Too bad I missed.
So... what's new with you, babe?
[dogs barking]
So, you guys have a lot to catch up on.
I'd love to stay, but I'm late for school.
Really glad you're okay, Ronnie.
Uh, I'm gonna go in the kitchen and make some coffee
and maybe a coffeecake to go with it.
What was all that about?
I have no idea.
Let me go check on her.
♪
Walt...
anyone playing in here is going to be too drunk
to notice if it's off by a millimeter or two.
Respectfully, I would notice.
You might as well not even have a pool table.
Suit yourself.
I'll buy you a beer when you're done.
Sweet.
[laughs] Science class is over.
Somebody get rid of all these toys.
Where's Kenny? Kenny, what are you doing?
I thought you were holding this pool table for us.
No, I was.
He must have come in when I went out for lattes.
Damn it, Kenny.
Secure the pool table means secure the pool table.
It doesn't mean getting lattes.
But you're the one who told me...
Kenny, no... I hate you so much right now.
Guys, please, like five more minutes, I'll be done.
- Five more minutes. - Kenny, sugar packet.
Lift it.
Lower it.
[machine beeps]
Well I'll be damned.
That's right.
I don't need fancy mirrors and lasers, Walt.
I got the eyes of a golden eagle.
[high-pitched squealing]
Now beat it.
It's a free country... allegedly.
I can do what I want.
I happen to have an appointment right now,
which is just purely coincidence.
Mm-hmm. Yeah, we got it.
Kenny, rack 'em.
- What about my equipment? - No worry,
we'll make sure Kaitlynn gets it behind the bar.
To be clear, I'm leaving of my own volition.
Uh-huh, get to your fake appointment. We know.
- It's not a fake appointment. - Oh yeah? Who's it with?
- Some doctors. - Doctors? A bunch of doctors?
- Yeah, my tooth hurts. - Uh-huh.
You probably need a dentist, you "maroon."
[bell dings]
I can't believe we actually skipped school.
I feel so free and dangerous.
Like "Orange is the New Black."
Okay, okay, okay, but I can't skip fifth anymore.
Mr. Wallace is getting suspicious.
We'll have to be back for math.
I mean, if I skip anymore, I'm literally gonna get suspended.
And my mom's gonna kill me.
- Okay. - [crash]
Oh, so sorry. I'll... I'll...
Oh my God.
♪
Ooh, T.Rex.
A Glam Rock fan?
I mean, how can you say no to a man
in thigh highs and face paint?
Hey, did you know the actual T.Rex couldn't play the guitar?
Tiny arms.
[laughs]
You know, I bet they were pretty killer at the ukulele though.
Good one.
Oh, hello, Yoko.
Wow, how've you been?
If you're asking if I've recovered
from you breaking up my band by dumping our drummer,
the answer is no.
You know they didn't break up?
I'm pretty sure they're touring the West Coast right now.
What?
No, they're not.
Asher said we broke up.
I don't mean he lied me. And why would he lie...
Oh God.
Oh Christ.
I'm out of the band.
I'm sorry, I thought they told you.
I have to make a phone call.
Yoko.
Mm, must have been a rough breakup.
I can be Yoko, too.
I was dating the lead singer.
Charlotte, who's our friend?
Oh, um... you know, that's actually a good question.
I don't think I got your name.
Lloy Danderson.
Hi, Lloyd.
Uh no, It's actually Lloy Danderson.
Lloyd Anderson.
- Lloy... - Danderson.
Exactly.
I feel like we're saying the same thing.
We're not.
Wow.
You think that's confusing, my sister's name is Ann.
[laughs]
Hey, if you would like to continue this conversation
of music and dinosaurs, um, what do you say
we hit the bar down the street and get a couple drinks?
- Yeah. - Oh, we're actually 16...
Sixteen minutes late to, uh,
college stuff and class.
And, um, you know, another time maybe?
Definitely, yeah.
Um, hey, can I get your number?
Excuse me, Charlotte.
Do you know how long they're out on tour?
I loaned them my van, so...
okay.
Just one more thing.
♪
[razor buzzing]
Come on, babe, hell's bells, you gotta tell him.
I know, I know.
I'm just not sure how to do it.
It's like ripping on a Band-Aid
or pissing in public.
The faster you do it, the better it goes every time.
Yeah, you're right.
Okay.
Just remember, I'm right behind you.
Thank you, Vernon.
That's a lot of hair.
What's left looks nice though.
I've been dreaming about two things.
Getting a greasy hamburger,
getting my kickass pompadour back.
I can make you a hamburger.
That's a really good idea.
No, hold on.
We all just ate an entire coffeecake.
There's no way anybody could still be hungry.
Besides, I think there's something you should
get off your chest.
Something you wanna tell me?
♪
I can't think of anything offhand.
Um... maybe something that concerns
a certain someone
who will go unnamed until
we think of a name for it.
It's not an it, it's a baby.
Who's having a baby?
I am, Ronnie.
- I'm pregnant. - [razor shuts off]
I'm gonna be a dad?
I'm gonna be the best dad ever.
Or maybe stepdad.
Yeah, it's pretty crazy, huh?
You must have been so scared
when I was out there in the wilderness.
You'd have to raise the baby alone.
Well, maybe not alone.
- Vernon? - What?
Is something wrong with my baby?
The baby might be Vernon's.
♪
DEBBIE: Ronnie, come on.
VERNON: How long is this gonna last?
DEBBIE: You're certainly not helping.
He's laying on the damn remote.
Ronnie, come on, alright.
Just say something.
I know this is hard, just...
Okay.
I've had the entire commercial break
to think about it.
[dog barking]
And I'm cool with what happened.
I know you thought I was dead,
and he preyed on your vulnerable state.
Um... actually, it happened before you went missing.
What? Don't tell me
you defiled our common law bed with this seductor.
I would never defile your common law bed.
It all happened on a really cool boat.
Oh my God!
Why?
A really cool boat.
- DEBBIE: Vernon. - A fast, cool boat.
I gotta know the details. Tell me everything.
Well, just think "Debbie Does Dallas"
meets "Jaws" meets...
Ronnie, listen, alright, we were just... we were
- really really drunk, okay... - No! No!
The details about the boat!
Was it inboard motor, outboard motor?
- Twenty footer, twenty-four... - What does it even matter?
'Cause you're a bad girlfriend.
Well, you're a butthole.
You see, you care more about your boats and karates
than you do about being there for me.
Well, I'm here now for the baby!
Oh great.
But I'm moving... into the basement.
Perfect.
Uh-oh, problem.
Technically, you said I could live in the basement.
What?
You two are so disgusting,
I can't even look at you right now.
Alright, you know what? I'm calling my doctor
and seeing if she can get me into today
and do a paternity test or something.
Listen up, muchacho.
Time for you to make like one of my shirts and takeoff.
As long as I may be the potential father of this child,
I'm sticking around like brown on rice.
I guess we're just gonna have to agree to disagree.
'Cause I want you to know that I agree with me.
And I'm staying in the basement.
I say whoever the doctor says the real father is
gets to stay.
And whoever the fake father is... aka you...
has to move out.
In the meantime, I'm gonna be in my basement.
♪
Am I going the right way?
Keep going. It's far.
[loud crash]
That dumb son of a bitch.
WALT: Hey, Dale.
This looks good.
Place looks great, man.
Thank you, thank you.
WALT: Had another run-n with Reggie and them today.
Bunch of bull...
I don't know what to do. They keep harassing me.
It's like I can't go anywhere, and they show up.
When confronted by an opponent,
one must conquer them with love.
Yeah, it sounds great but does it actually work though?
Are you calling Gandhi a liar?
No, I'm just saying like I'm not sure that
Reggie and them are gonna respond to love.
And I'm not sure I wanna activate that emotion
when I'm around them in the first place.
Well, I'm sure you'll figure something out.
Ooh. Are those dumplings?
Yeah.
- Come on, hit me, come on. - Dale.
DALE: Come on, right here, right here.
You know this makes me uncomfortable.
Just one.
[sighs]
That's what I'm talking about. Here. Right here.
♪
- NURSE: Hi there. - Hi.
What's the reason for today's visit?
- Um, I... - Yes, Ma'am,
I have this massive pain in my ass,
and I'd love to have him removed.
[laughs] I'm staying in that ass.
Eew.
[whispers] Actually, I'm here about a paternity test.
Sorry, what was that?
[whispers] I'm here to take a paternity test.
I'm sorry, miss, I still can't hear you.
She wants to know which one of us knocked her up.
Lucky you.
Take a seat and fill this out.
Wow, that's definitely my boy.
That's a leg, Mr. Brown.
Based on the measurements of the ultrasound,
the child is between 14 and 16 weeks.
The genitals are not fully formed yet.
Maybe it's yours after all.
Is there no way we can just narrow that window down
a little bit?
Geriatric pregnancy is too risky for a paternity test.
Can you use a nicer term?
You're far more likely to have a low-weight birth,
even chromosome abnormalities.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, you mean like superpowers?
Like my kid's gonna be a mutant?
Like the cool comic book kind?
You'd be amazed at how often I get that question.
If this baby has chromosome problems,
it's definitely yours.
Perhaps you two could take a fertility test.
- I like that. - It only takes a few minutes.
There's no way anybody's taking my blood.
It's not a blood test, sir.
[indistinct whispering]
Wait, but how do they collect the...
[indistinct whispering]
Aaah.
Alright, I can get into that.
If you two will follow me, please.
♪
No cheating, Haus. I'm watching you.
That's a really weird thing to say to somebody
under these circumstances. You know that, right?
♪
Uh, nurse, have you got any visual aids,
if you know what I mean?
We have adult magazines, yes.
You mean like "The New Yorker"?
Uh, excuse me, nurse,
but my "carpet" tunnel syndrome has flared up.
I was kinda wondering if you might give me
a little hand in there?
- Sure. - Hey, Nurse Beasley!
Mr. Brown could use a hand in room four.
[glove snaps]
Actually, I just remembered, I got two hands.
So, um, I'm ambidextrous.
I should be fine.
Uh, I appreciate it though, thank you.
These guys.
[knocking at door] Coming in.
Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry, I didn't know you started.
All done.
I'll be taking that still though.
Mm.
I didn't think that was gonna go in, but then it did.
How can somebody so dumb be so good at pool?
I don't know.
Maybe I'm one of them idiot geniuses.
You're so stupid you don't even realize
you're making fun of yourself.
Oh, maybe that's the genius part.
Boys.
Little peace offering.
Thought I told you to get lost.
Looks like you know exactly where you are.
Look, I know we've had our differences in the past,
but I thought maybe we could all try to live together
cohesively like tribal people.
Hey, Kenny, check the log book.
When's the last time we lived cohesively with someone?
Well, I don't think that's the kind of stats that we...
Damn it, Kenny, I was being rhetorical. Dang!
Let's take this outside!
Let's go!
Hey, yo, guys!
You can't take alcohol outside the premises.
Come on.
Come on, chuggy chuggy.
BOTH: [gulping]
[burps] Sorry.
Okay. Okay.
Good luck with your society.
Find a woman.
♪
Look, guys, I don't wanna resort to violence.
Oh, look out, boys, he's gonna resort to violence.
Kenny, just leave the mockery to me, okay?
Besides, your comebacks are childish.
It lacks subtlety.
[clears throat]
Alright, butt face, time to teach you a lesson.
[growls]
Hey, guys...
mine leaving my buddy alone?
What's this, Walt?
You can't fight your own fights?
You need to be saved by this freak show?
No, really, leave my buddy alone.
Why don't you take a hike, fake...
It's nice. Is that a wool blend?
That's cute.
[crush]
♪
Kenny!
Leave him! He's already dead!
He resorted to violence!
Guys!
That was incredible!
KENNY: It's in my eyes!
Grab me a glass of water!
Yeah, I got a fertility test a couple of years ago.
The doctor looked me right in the eye and said,
"Mitch, you're barren."
Cynthia on the hand has experienced
Immaculate Conception like three times.
Looking back on it now, I think she was cheating on me.
Nah. So, Doily,
sounds like she's still pining for you.
Does sound like that, doesn't it?
Oh, so sad.
- Showtime! - Hey!
How did it shake out, boys?
You got the results?
Yes, I do.
Let's just remember the deal.
Loser has to move out of the basement, pal.
Oh, I remember.
Ladies first.
Ha!
My sperm are swimming like Michael Phelps
going for his 19th gold medal down in Rio.
- Whoo, whoo. - [laughs]
Ronnie?
Who wants to get pregnant?
Uh, nobody.
I call top bunk.
There's no way you're getting top bunk.
Ronnie, Vernon, sit down!
Okay, look, one of you is the father of this baby.
But apparently we're not gonna know who anytime soon.
So I'm okay with both of you living at my house.
But not if you're gonna just continue to taunt each other
like... like those stupid fake wrestlers you love.
- That's not fake. - I thought it was real.
Whatever, this isn't a contest, alright?
And the fighting isn't good for me or the baby.
So either get along or get out.
It's up to y'all.
Eee-ee-eee.
♪
We need to pull it together
for Deb, the baby.
I call truce.
- It doesn't mean I like you. - Ditto.
- Good. - Great.
I never washed my hands at the clinic.
[groans] Thanks, Mom.
Well, it looks like things are gonna be weird
for a few more months.
I kinda like the chaos. I'm proud of you.
Hey, kids. Do you mind if join you?
Ronnie and I have discussed it,
and we've decided to bury the hatchet.
Thank you.
For now, hombre.
Bury the hatchet in your ass.
Hey, is it too late to call dips on being the godfather?
I'm not sure that's dips-able.
I'd like to make a toast.
To Debbie...
A strong woman, good mother,
and the glue that holds this family together.
To family!
To my family!
Amigo.
Uh, son of a...
Not on the homework.
My bad.